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Praktijk voor coaching en bewustwording

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Vergeven

Posted on July 27, 2014 at 7:40 AM
Vergeven is een daad van zelfwaardering en geeft bevrijding, opluchting, rust, zelfvertrouwen en laat fysieke klachten los en zelfs verdwijnen. Vergeven doe je voor jezelf, niet voor een ander.
Ik ben in de loop der tijd enkele opvattingen over vergeven tegengekomen die ik misvattingen wil noemen. Ze geven namelijk aan dat je je afhankelijk maakt van de ander die jou iets heeft aangedaan. Misschien herken je sommigen wel:

‘’Ik kan niet vergeven omdat ik niet kan vergeten”. Dit is een onjuiste opvatting. De gebeurtenis zal je misschien niet (snel) vergeten, maar je mag de emotionele lading wel loslaten.

“Sommigen verdienen het niet om vergeven te worden’’. Kan ik me goed voorstellen, zeker als jou of een dierbare iets vreselijks is overkomen. Echter, je blijft met gevoelens van boosheid, ergernis, verdriet, wrok, haat of negativiteit zitten waar de ander niets van merkt, zeker als hij/zij jou niet kent of niet meer ziet. Ik denk dan bv. aan ontslag, bedrog, een overval, een aanslag of een oorlogssituatie. Belangrijk is om een weg te vinden om hiermee te kunnen opgaan en de emotie los te laten zodat je verder kunt.

‘’Als ik vergeef betekent het dat ik de ander weer moet vertrouwen’’. Niet waar. Vergeving betekent dat je geen tijd en aandacht meer stopt in jouw emotie. Vertrouwen heeft met verzoening te maken en niet met vergeven.

‘’Als ik vergeef betekent het dat ik ongelijk heb’’. Nee, dan is er sprake van een machtsstrijd. Het gaat er niet om wie gelijk heeft. Het gaat om het loslaten van je emotie.

Ik kan pas vergeven als de ander zijn/haar gedrag heeft veranderd.
Niet waar. Vergeving doe je voor jezelf en is niet afhankelijk van het gedrag van de ander. Op dat laatste heb je toch geen invloed, dat bepaalt namelijk de ander.

‘’Als ik vergeef vind ik mezelf zwak’’. Integendeel, het is een teken van kracht en geeft o.a. eigenwaarde en zelfvertrouwen.

‘’Bij vergeving komt de ander er gemakkelijk van af’’. Volgens mij zal, in het ergste geval, het de ander een zorg zijn dat je met je emotie blijft worstelen.

‘’Ik kan niet vergeven als de ander geen spijt toont’’. Dan maak je je volledig afhankelijk van de ander terwijl het om jou en jouw proces gaat.

‘’Ik moet de ander vergeven als het hem/haar spijt’’. Nee, dat moment bepaal jezelf, als je er mentaal aan toe bent.

Er zullen ongetwijfeld nog een aantal opvattingen zijn. Het komt er op neer dat jij degene bent die vergeeft en dat doe je altijd voor jezelf en naar jezelf, niet voor en naar de ander.
Het moment van vergeving is afhankelijk van je wat is overkomen en hoe heftig dit was.
Tot slot: vergeven is een actie van liefde. Liefde voor jezelf.

 

Categories: Kracht

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